Christian Moldova

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I don’t want to say my name and I have the right to do this. According to the law, I am obliged to do this only to the doctors and to the girl, with whom I would like (and believe me, I woudn’t) to have sexual relations. But I want to tell you something else.

Firstly: we are not taught what we ought to in our schools. Yes… and let those who make the school programs be angry with me. We are taught the geography of the countries that are far away, but we are very seldom spoken about the geography of our own body. At the best, once a year a venereal doctor comes and uses “clever” words, like “gonorrhoea”, and speaks to us about things, at which we think smiling, that they are so far away as Africa is. They teach us Maths, but they forget to remind us daily, that a positive HIV result added to a negative one equals to two positive. We are practically told, that the number of those infected by HIV/AIDS grows in a geometrical progression and the theory of probability increases this percentage year by year more and more. They teach us Russian, English, Romanian and many other languages, but they don’t teach us a single word, that we have to know in our language: NO.

• “NO” – to occasional partners, but who are very nice and they don’t even look like being infected with AIDS.
• “NO” – not to occasional partners, but to those that are very well known, that lure you with their charm and that inspire you that you can trust them.
• “NO” – to the nurse that, taking your blood test, gets a syringe without opening the package in front of you.
• “NO” – to the thoughts that calm your conscience, saying: “This can happen to anyone, except to me”, “Someone else will be infected, but not me”. I thought in this way too.

We are taught the history of different nations, but we are not taught the history of those people that could have become like Einstein, Margaret Thatcher, Lincoln, Malevich and Ceaikovski. But they didn’t. And they will not, because even if they have talents, possibilities and potentials, they will not live much, and they will spend the rest of the days fighting against the painful illness, that destroys their body, that burns them inside, with the suspect sights and the alienation of the aquinatances, that have found out that you are sick, with the feeling of guilt before those who are close to you, with the pain of understanding that all could have been other way.

There is only a little paragraph in the Biology manual, where it is drawn a small round thing with hanging tubercules and it is written below “So look AIDS virus”. But why is it important? I don’t care how it looks like that what kills me inside, I know only that it hurts and I am afraid and if I could return the time, I wouldn’t allow this thing with hanging tubercules enter into me, even if I was promised all pleasures of this world.

At the lessons of Physical Culture we are promoted a healthy body. But only physical culture is not sufficient to be healthy. Even if you are a world champion at all existent events, if you live an immoral life style – you will lose not only your health.

People die of AIDS when they come to the top of their physical, professional and glorious perfection. Ask the leader of the group “Oueen”, Freddy Mercury. Oh yes, he will not answer you – he died of AIDS.

At the psychology lessons we are taught how to fight against loneliness, depression, “how to know ourselves”. Oh yes, this was my method “to flee from loneliness”, to throw the stress and not to fall into depression. Sex without responsabilities. “Without longtermed dates, stamps on the pass, not necesarry information about the partner, moral and religious taboos, that lock one in narrow frames and lack of liberty.” It is strange to cite yourself, but these were the words I was using to provoke a girl to sex. Some of them were even not difficult to convince. One so “talkative and free of the society’s prejudicies” has infected me. Now both of us are free. Of future. Of life. Of accomplished purposes and fulfilled dreams. Of family, children, career. Of personal growth. Of most of my friends. Even of a normal memory of us after death. Free.

Do you want such a freedom?

This is the longest essay that I have ever written in my life. Once I wanted to become a journalist. Now future tense is no longer applicable to my life. I will die. I am sick of AIDS. And every treatment only worsens the guilt feeling that I have for myself, family and God, who (now I know) created me for something better than for a short life without sense and a shameful death.

This was the story of my mistake. And if I could say that it was only a mistake, that would mean to lie. I had had so many chances as many girls were in my bed.

What about you? Do you want to live? Sleep alone! Seep alone until there will be said two names (one of which will be yours), and then “I declare you husband and wife. Now you can kiss your wife.” And not only kiss her… This will no longer be in my life… If you are fool – join me.

One of those infected with HIV/AIDS

Translated by Djugostran Felicia

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